Transcript:Zamorak speaks his mind once more

This article is an official God letter, copyrighted by Jagex. It is copied verbatim (including any errors) from the RuneScape website; the original transcript may be found here.

Issue 15 - Zamorak speaks his mind once more

Zamorak, lord of evil, and master of sarcasm, returns to answer some letters sent to him.

Or not answer as the case may in fact be.

Issues of interest this month include: Zamorak’s popularity with the ladies, his opinion on pie, and a hitherto unknown purple monster somewhere in the wilderness...

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Hello once again loyal Zamorakians!

I know how dull these letters pages have been getting recently, what with Guthix's bizarre rantings and whinings, and Saradomins self-righteous complaining, but once more I return, to spread a little cheer, and a lot of fear, to those who seek my advice, and some who don't!

As tales of a powerful force reshaping the land grow stronger with each passing week, more and more of you RuneScape inhabitants begin to turn to the only god you can rely on to stand up to a challenge with a sword, not words... So let's see what issues have been burdening the minds of the general populace this month...

Saradomin deals with prayers, so when you give dead creatures / people an honourable burial in his name it makes him pay closer attention to you, and help you out in little ways that Guthix won't notice.

Personally, I think when you kill something you should just take its bones and trade them for something decent. Like a sword, which will help you get MORE bones. Or just, you know, drop them in mud and pour bad wine over them or something. Just to annoy Saradomin. Saradomin is very amusing when annoyed. It heartens me no end.

1. Yep!
2. Yep!
3. Yep - but not as much as Thurgo does! That dwarf really loves pies!
4. Sometimes I can kind of tolerate Guthix when he's in a bad mood and killing stuff.
   
   He's less annoying than that old fool Saradomin that's for sure. I still wouldn't say he's exactly my 'favorite' though.
5. Nope! And even if I DID, I'd do it for free anyway. It's my idea of fun!

I have a talented yet alcoholic lesser demon who does most of it for me.

He'll draw me anything I tell him for a bottle of Draynor Malt - you'll find most artists are the same.

Pffffft... 'Scammers'.....

I don't like 'scammers' because they're whiney little liars who are too sissy to go out and kill stuff to get rich like a *TRUE* Zamorakian would do.

Lure them out to a nice little spot in the wilderness and show them the business end of your favorite weaponry (A lot of fun) or (as useless as the Council are) the report abuse button is a good option too.

People like that give evil a bad name, you know!

Writing stuff sounds a bit too sissy to me... are you sure you're not a Saradominist trying to trick me?

Then again, putting the fear of Zamorak into little children does sound quite tempting...

I guess I can lay off torturing Reldo with little 'accidents' for a bit if you have any PARTICULARLY spooky stuff to honour me with. I believe you can however.

But I'm not sure when he will next update his library. He tends to have a lot of 'unfortunate accidents' happen to him, particularly when I'm rather bored...

...oh yeah. That sounds real likely doesn't it?

It's the magical mauve money-dropping monster!

You can find him right in the middle of the wilderness, but you can only find it if you're carrying lots of stuff worth pking for... uh, I mean lots of stuff to 'attract it'.

Yeah... attract it... that's right. Would I lie to you?

1. maybe
2. maybe
3. maybe
4. maybe

Hope that cleared that up for you.

...Yeah, you and that other guy should both go looking for the money dropping monster in the wilderness together.

Don't forget: bring lots of stuff with you!

Oh, and for future reference? The 'Caps Lock' key is on the left hand side of the keyboard.

Yeah, sissy cowards who run away from a fight REALLY annoy me... (you just KNOW they're Saradominists, even if they say they're not...) so if I have my way I'm going to try and sneak in a little surprise for people who try and run from a fight while loaded up with loot into Guthixs' little world update.

If he doesn't notice me trying to sneak it in anyway...

Whats up with this? Why do people think I care about them enough to give them stuff?

Go with those other guys looking for that monster. Take plenty of stuff.

I GUARANTEE even if you don't find the monster someone will give you a Rune 2 hander. Blade first. You'll get a free teleport to Lumbridge too.

I feel physically ill.

I really hate sheep.

I don't know whether its their stupid fluffy white bodies, their ugly stupid faces, the annoying idiotic noises they make as you walk near them, or Guthix's unhealthy love for them.

I REALLY HATE sheep.

Yeah, what do you take me for? Do you think I was born last century? I'm not telling you where to steal my wine from.

I'M SICK OF PEOPLE STEALING MY WINE!

I'm not married.

If you're asking who his mother is, I can't remember.

The ladies love Zamorak, and its kind of hard to keep track of them all sometimes.

You see what I mean?

Za-zaros?

...Ok, thats not funny. Don't. Just don't. I'm not scared of anyone ok? Zaros is gone.

So don't lie to me ok? He's gone, and I'm not scared of him even if he isn't. HE'S DEAD.

Not scared. Not even worried. At all. DEFINITELY not. Seriously. Anyone who says I got lucky last time is just a dirty liar.

Hah, you're just playing a trick on old Zamorak right? Right? Because I'm not scared at all.

So don't try and scare me like that, because it WON'T work.

I'm totally not scared.

One answer: commando.

I'm sure 'Sandromin' (whoever they are) will be thrilled to hear they have a new groupie.

Seriously, whats up with all of you obsessing about my wine?

They're worth whatever people are foolish enough to pay for them. Silly coloured cloth hat vs large nearly unstoppable killing blade with which to smite your enemies - I mean, come on, which do you *REALLY* want to carry around with you?

What are you gonna do when you're in a fight?

Shout 'Ho-Ho-Ho' and hope they run away?

Blind them with the horrible colour of the thing on your head?

And so my time draws near, and once more I must grab my trusty bloodied axe and bring more foul creatures to this world to torment the Saradominists and Guthixians with... and of course I always need time to do a little experimenting to see if yet more creatures hitherto unseen can be safely brought to RuneScape... so until next we speak loyal subjects.

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Strength through chaos-
Zamorak

DISCLAIMER: The views of Zamorak do not reflect the views of Jagex Ltd or its employees. We'd ban him, but he's a god.